My Dad Thinks I’m Too Immature

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From Singapore: Now I know most boys my age (15) want to be as mature as possible, but my dad expects me to handle everything myself. I feel he is putting too much pressure on me and I feel stressed but not only that. He babies my brothers and sisters. He gets them more expensive and more in quantity of things, for example for my birthday I got a speaker from my dad and nothing from my mother, but for my brothers birthday he got a laptop, $100 worth of games and $100 worth of iTunes gift cards.
I’m not sure whether I am jealous of how many and what kind of things he got or the fact that I feel like my dad loves him more than me. If I try to talk about the matter to him he just says “grow up” and “you shouldn’t mind, you should be happy for them.” My bro also rubs the fact that he gets more things in my face by saying he loves me more than you or just doing a mock laugh.

It’s not just my dad who does this but my mother who divorced my dad. She does exactly the same thing. But on top of that I went on holiday to my dad with my bro and sis and my mother hugged my bro and sis saying “ohh I’m going to miss you so much” and then just saying “bye” to me. When I do ask my dad for something he says “oh I don’t have enough money” then he goes and spends $200 plus on my siblings each.
My bro and sis do not live with me so you would probably say it because he doesn’t see them often so he buys them a lot of stuff when they are here but my dad never buys me that many things and my mom doesn’t buy me that many things when I go to aus for a holiday with her.

A: I don’t know why your parents treat you and your siblings so unequally. You did make a good guess at the end of your letter. Since he doesn’t see your siblings very often, it could be that your father is trying to buy their love. But that doesn’t seem to explain the extent of the imbalance.
If you are complaining about how much he spends on your siblings, your father isn’t likely to be responsive. I wonder what would happen if you instead told him how much the difference in treatment hurts you or that you fear that he doesn’t love you. Perhaps if you opened up about your feelings, he would be more responsive. The same thing might help with your mother. Instead of focusing on the material items, talk to her about how both parents’ behavior makes you feel sad and unwanted. Your parents may be more willing to respond to you if you let yourself be vulnerable with them instead of angry.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie