I Am Starting to Hate My Husband

 

I moved to my husband’s country where I haven’t been able to work and now I have started to hate him. 1 year and 3 months ago I moved to my husband’s country for his job. The place we live is beautiful and I speak the language fluently however due to visa delays I haven’t been allowed to work since moving here. Before moving here, he had always promised me a work permit would not be a problem at all. 1.5 years is a VERY long time to keep yourself busy doing volunteering, or getting to know the city, or exercising or doing all these things that people in my position are told to do, and believe me, I do all of these intensively. Bottom line however, those activities do not fulfil my inner ambitions in the long run. I had a very good paying job in my home country, and I simply can’t stand being financially dependent on him anymore. I had lots of friends and here I know absolutely no one so we are together 24/7 — we have run out of things to tell each other. I’m very outgoing, so I’m always trying to make new friends, but at my age it’s much more difficult to connect.. On top of it, he is excelling and experiencing huge success in his job, while I have become this wreck, a shadow of myself and have watched my self-esteem literally disappear. I feel I’ve been reduced to being a cook, cleaner and errand-runner and I feel completely dumb and impotent because I do not have self-validating experiences. I have realized how I’m trying to distance myself from him because I am just so angry at this situation he has put me in, I feel he deceived me. My patience has run out and I’ve started to have some very negative thoughts. He has started to ask me to try for a baby but I feel that with a child in a place with no family I will have even less opportunity of finding a job. Recently, I was referred here to my dream job at my dream company and had a successful interview, however then HR informed me they were taking me out the process due to my visa situation. I can’t explain the anger and fury I felt at that moment. What can I do to stop this downward negative spiral?

A: I’m sorry that you having such a difficult time with your visa. I can only imagine how difficult this is. What I can offer is a way to reframe this. Blaming your husband for putting you in this situation is the first place to begin. This was a joint decision. Neither of you could foretell the future and you both made the best decision you did based on the information you had. You sound like a very strong person. If you didn’t believe it were possible and you too didn’t think it would happen, you wouldn’t have come along. Blaming him for a joint decision keeps both of you trapped. Secondly, what is preventing you from making friends now? Why do you believe this will be different if you are working? My encouragement is to answer these questions for yourself and then find ways to increase your social network now. Friendships can be cultivated outside of work and this is a time for you to develop a connection to others as your employment opportunities come into being. It sound like you have a lot to offer and much to accomplish in your career. Accept the fact that you have been part of the decision and begin building your social network now. By Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP